


Bigger Than Us

by dr_ducktator



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-15
Updated: 2011-07-15
Packaged: 2017-10-21 10:19:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/224102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_ducktator/pseuds/dr_ducktator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel wants for Dean to understand so badly...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bigger Than Us

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Set right near the end of season 6. So, yeah, everything up to that point, I guess. Oh, and unbetaed.This little gem popped into my head the other night. Based on White Lies' "Bigger Than Us, " which you can listen to [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW0yynlDmqQ) or read the lyrics [here](www.songlyrics.com=) or you know, do both.

Castiel doesn’t always leave for long when he disappears from Dean’s presence. He’s an angel; of course he can slip in unobserved, hushing the sound of his flapping wings. He does it more often than he should and he knows it. 

  


But he’s frustrated and continues to be every time he interacts with Dean as of late.  But now, _now_ , when he needs Dean to understand the most, Dean remains steadfast in his stubbornness. So he uses his tricks when he feels he has no other recourse. 

  
  


As he listens to Dean explain to him that Sam’s working some case in Omaha, he notices that Dean isn’t taking the normal route to Bobby’s he usually does. They pass under some tunnel, and the street lights illuminate Dean’s face. He sees that Dean is nervous, looks guilty, as if the route he’s driving mirrors his intent. To mislead or change his routine is very not-Dean. He knows that Dean is lying to him about Sam’s whereabouts. The way he drives the car gives everything away. Dean is really quite easy to read. He placates Dean with a promise to get to the bottom of Crowley’s apparent reappearance and disappears. But he’s back moments later, this time invisible in the Impala’s backseat, watching Dean and thinking of a way to get him to understand.

  
  


 ______________________________

  
  


Later, after Dean seems to have lost his mind trying to torture demons for information, Castiel feels his own heart break. This is a remarkable feat, of course, because he doesn’t really have a heart to break in the human sense of the word. He simply cannot comprehend how Dean can be so cold, to so quickly and easily embrace this black-or-white scenario when before the apocalypse he seemed to thrive in the grey areas. How many deals has Dean made or tried to make with demons in the past? Why now, of all times, does he choose to become so self-righteous that he could rival Zachariah when he still lived? 

  
  


There were times throughout the course of forging what he likes to call their “profound bond” when all he wanted was for Dean to hold him tightly. To hold him so close that he could feel the emotion seep through Dean’s skin into his own. His need for that closeness often got him reminders in the form of “Personal space, Cas.” Sometimes, though, Dean let him in. Now it’s different. Now he doesn’t want Dean to hold him. It used to be all he could do to stay away. But now he doesn’t even want Dean to pray, to call on him, to use him. 

  


  
He’s exhausting himself with perpetually trying to convince Dean that all of this, everything that’s happening, Purgatory, the war with Raphael, his involvement with that fool Crowley, is bigger than them. 

  
  


“This is bigger than us, Dean,” he says. 

  
  


Dean just stares at him stonily, a hate-filled glare aimed at him. 

  
  


He often feels hopeless; still wonders where God could be. But he is also determined. He knows what is right. He knows he can’t let Sam’s sacrifice have been for nothing. Raphael must be stopped. 

  
  


And he knows, now, that what he did to Sam’s wall will, in all likelihood, be the thing over which he loses Dean forever. He hated doing it to Sam. But he had to distract Dean, and nothing distracts Dean like his brother in peril. 

  
  


He steels himself against the waves of sadness he feels when he thinks about what will happen to Dean and him when they come out on the other side of his battle with Raphael. But he also remains logical, realistic. Even if Dean could ever forgive him for working with Crowley, he will never forgive him for bringing down the wall. He knows that no matter how close you get to Sam and Dean, Dean will burn it all down if doing so will keep Sam safe. And he also knows that no matter the content of their private moments, when it comes to Dean’s love for Sam, he never really stood a chance. No one does. And despite not being human, that knowledge still hurts him. 

  
  


He’s not only at war with Raphael he’s at war with himself. He feels like he’s breaking up, falling apart. He feels splintered, shattered, conflicted, scared, more human than he likes. 

  
  


But this isn’t just about Sam, Dean, Bobby, and him, and that’s what he’s been trying to make Dean understand. “It’s bigger than us,” he murmurs, as he finishes smearing the blood on the wall. 

  
  


He will make it right, all of it, everything’s he’s had to do to get to this point; all the deception, all the underhanded moves will all be worth it in the end. He’ll beg for forgiveness, he’ll give up all the power; whatever it takes. 

  
  


He finishes the incantation. The light blinds him.

  



End file.
